Every week I get calls from people neck-high in domestic violence charges, wondering what to do. The truth is, there’s a playbook for beating these cases—and while I won’t give away every attorney’s secrets online, I can walk you through the framework that has helped countless clients in Hawaii walk free.

Step One: Stop Talking to Investigators

The very first trap people fall into? Taking calls from investigators.

You don’t need to explain. You don’t need to defend yourself. In fact, explaining is the quickest way to hand over probable cause. One volunteered detail about where you were, when you were there, or who you were with can lock you into a timeline and hand police the case they need.

The only sentence you need:
“I’m represented by attorney [Insert Name]. Here’s their number so you can contact them about any case related matters.”

The moment you bring in an attorney as your shield, you take back control of your freedom by letting an experienced advocate handle every legal issue on your behalf.   

Even if you don’t have an attorney, you can still say, “I’m in the process of retaining an attorney, once that’s complete, we’ll be in contact.”

Why Private Attorneys Are Worth It Early

Having an attorney before arrest is ideal. The next best time? Right after you bail out.

Hiring at the retainer rate is a bargain compared to paying for a trial. And a good lawyer can:

• Shield you from the overreach of detectives and prosecutors.

• Reach out to the prosecutor’s office directly, going ABOVE local law enforcement’s jurisdiction.

• Minimize your legal exposure so much that cases are often dumped before ever reaching court.

Yes, I’ve seen it happen again and again.

Reality Check: What These Charges Really Do to You

Even without a conviction, an abuse arrest sticks to you in ugly ways:

• Jobs: Publicly traded companies will do thorough criminal background checks.

• Access: Government vendor contracts requiring military base clearance? Gone.

• Immigration: Green card holders may not  be allowed back into the US upon inspection at Customs and Border Patrol.

And if you think it’s ‘just’ a first-time misdemeanor—think again. Your one and only $1,000 bail ends with your first charge. From then on, every single misdemeanor abuse charge automatically starts at $2,000—and it never drops back down. Once you leave the $1,000 bracket, you’re permanently in the $2,000 tier for life.

Who Really Gets Arrested

Surprise: not just men. A double-digit percentage of my abuse bail-outs are actuallwomen.

Here’s the kicker: in most cases I’ve seen, both parties share some blame. Romantic tensions simmer, emotions rise, and eventually things boil over. And when the dust settles, the deciding factor in who actually gets arrested often comes down to just one thing…

Pro Tip: Be First

If you know the police will be called, be the first to call them.

It’s not about morality—it’s about winning. Just like in sports, the instigator’s actions are often missed, while the reacting party gets flagged. In domestic disputes, the first caller usually has the high ground. The rule of thumb is simple: if police are going to be involved, be the first to call—because more often than not, that means the other person gets arrested, not you.

Less Is More When Police Arrive

Today’s cops wear body cams. That means every word you say is permanent evidence. Even if you know the officer personally, once you admit to physical contact on camera, they have no choice but to arrest you.

Gone are the days of “local-style” resolutions where neighbors and family de-escalate a lovers’ quarrel. Now it’s on the record, and you’re stuck in court.

Bail Economics: Why $1,000 Is Never Just $1,000

Most people think $1,000 bail is large. Here’s the truth:

• No bail agent in their right mind writes a $1,000 bond—costs can’t be covered for $100 (10%).

• Posting cash is your best (and often only) option.

• Keep your receipt—it’s your proof for refunds, court errors, and fee disputes.

Posting cash in someone else’s name? Smart. That prevents automatic deductions for fines and fees later.  

Can’t come up with the money alone? Crowdfund it among friends and family. If the defendant is reliable, you’ll get the money back. If they’re not, why should anyone—bail agent or family—risk losing $1,000? Unless a thousand dollars is just a rounding error for you, don’t stake it on someone who can’t be trusted to show up in court.

Faster Release, Pro Tips

• Work side deals with a bail agent: send cash via Zelle, Venmo, Cash App → agent drops it at HPD for a fee.

• Best case: release in under an hour. Worst case: three hours plus. That’s just the reality of the process.

• Always hold onto your bail receipt—it saves hours of government runaround later.

Another Reality Check

Domestic violence arrests are politically charged. Police are under pressure to make arrests in these cases because they’re hot-button issues that generate salacious headlines. The public expects someone to be taken in, so when the call goes out—someone is getting hauled in. That’s why I tell clients: if police are inevitable, be the first to call.

And here’s another harsh reality: if you’re the complainant, HPD often won’t let you bail out your partner—even though that restriction violates your constitutional right to post bail. Trust me, they’ll ask if you’re involved, double check reports, and if you’re involved in the case, you’ll be denied. It may be unconstitutional, but in that dark hour you can’t fight city hall. The smart move is to let a bail agent—a professional, neutral third party—post the cash bail quickly and cleanly.

The Bigger Picture

Domestic violence cases aren’t just “man hits woman.” They’re messy, emotional, and time-draining. They surprisingly involve women as defendants commonly, friends and family as fundraisers, and attorneys are “fixers.” 

As ugly as these cases are, sometimes they’re a wake-up call. A misdemeanor abuse arrest can be the bad luck that saves you from catastrophic luck—the push to change your relationships, walk away from confrontations, and never repeat the same mistakes.

Final Word

The smartest way to beat an abuse case?

• Lawyer up early.

• Stop talking.

• Be first if the police are inevitable.

• Use bail strategically.

• Treat this as your wake-up call.

I’ve seen too many clients throw away their futures by handling these cases poorly. Don’t be the next one.

-Jail Mail Nick